A Better Village

The truth will set you free.

Tag: blacks

Chickenhead clucks de-coded (Things chickenheads say)

One of the easiest ways to spot a chickenhead–a useless female due to the havoc it (purposefully using the pronoun “it” to elaborate upon the fact that chickenheads are sub-human) creates–is by her speech. Chickenheads have language they often use, and to which you have undoubtedly already been exposed on many occasions.

Two of the most common statements (or “complaints”) chickenheads make are enumerated upon below. 

“She don’t speak,” or “She don’t speak to nobody,” or “Did she say anything to you?”  Recall that chickenheads come about as the result of unresolved feelings of neglect and abandonment from their childhoods. Their unresolved post-traumatic stress leads to a sense of entitlement that causes chickenheads to take it very personally when others do not acknowledge their existence by greeting them. 

Chickenheads perceive someone not greeting them as an insult, the same way they felt insulted when their caregivers did not show them the love and affection they needed and wanted during their infant and toddler years. 

Not “speaking” to a chickenhead is also an affront because chickenheads are very social. They have to be in order to get into people’s business and ruin others’ lives. The crux of the chickenhead’s work is thwarted without a word from you! 

Not acknowledging a chickenhead delays their chances of ruining your happiness. They are upset by your ignorance of them, because you make them work harder to get into your personal business when you do not initiate contact with them. They also feel less responsible for ruining your life with personal information they find out about you when you initiate contact with them. 

Yet, too, chickenheads–like most fallen angels (think Lucifer)–just want to be loved, and don’t know how. Chickenheads, like most people who experience neglect and abandonment during their formative years, lack language, which explains their requirement that others speak to them first. Chickenheads do not know how to establish healthy relationships because they do not have experience with this. They do not know how to calmly and politely walk up to someone and introduce themselves, so they sit back and wait for the subject of their desire or jealousy to initiate introduction, and when that does not happen they get offended. 

“She thinks she’s cute.” This is a classic example of the chickenhead’s low self-esteem and usual attempt to project its inferiority complex onto someone else–usually someone that is the subject of their jealousy. Chickenheads don’t have the guts to admit when they are jealous of someone, so they blame their ill feelings on others to make it appear as though the other person is doing something to make them feel bad. Of course, the truth is that chickenheads wake up and go to bed feeling bad. Their ill feelings are just provoked or exacerbated by the thought or appearance of another possibly having a happier existence then their own. 

Chickenhead Clucks Cheat Sheet

When chickenheads say this: 

“She don’t speak,” or “She don’t speak to nobody,” or “Did she say anything to you?”

This is what they’re really saying:

  • “I’m upset because [the person about which the chickenhead is complaining] did not acknowledge my presence.”
  • “[She, the person being complained about] didn’t speak first.”
  • “How am I going to get into her business if she doesn’t speak to me?”
  • “How am I going to make sure [the person I’m complaining about] is miserable like me if she doesn’t speak to me?”
  • “She won’t be my friend.”
  • “I want to be her friend, but I don’t know how to initiate conversation. I’m afraid she won’t like me.” 
  • “I’m afraid that I’m not good enough to be her friend because she seems too confident in herself to want to be friends with someone like me.” 
  • “I’m afraid of being alone.”

When chickenheads say this:

“She thinks she’s cute.”

This is what they’re really saying:

  • “I’m jealous of her.”
  • “I’m too weak to take responsibility for my own inferiority complex.”
  • I don’t have the strength or courage to get rid of my flaws and do what it takes to be as good as [the person I’m complaining about because I’m jealous].” 
  • “I’m unhappy.”
  • “[The person I’m complaining about] seems to have a better life than me.”
  • “She’s prettier than me.” 
  • “I feel inferior.”
  • “I’m afraid of being alone.”
  • “You’re gonna like her more than you like me, then I won’t have anybody to love me and I’ll be alone forever.”

You get the picture. Remember:  Chickenheads are liars; they speak in opposites. The truth of their own inferiority is too hard for them to bare, so they project their inferiority  onto others in the hopes of sharing their pain with others. Chickenheads think that the way to lessen the burden of their inferiority is to make others feel the pain and misery they do. This is why they gossip, spread rumors and engage in conduct that is hurtful. They don’t know how to ask for help.  

Connection to Slavery

Chickenheads were created during the Enslavement Process. The Enslavement Process was effective because enslaved Blacks (taken from the continent of Africa, “seasoned” and enslaved in the Caribbean/South America and North America) were not allowed to have relationships with one another. Parents were not allowed to coddle their children. Coddling helps develop relationships and love, and love leads to the protection of loved ones. The protection of loved ones leads to revolt, and revolt would have led to the end of the profitable Enslavement Process. There are even stories of enslaved mothers and fathers shoeing their kids away from them in the presence of slave masters because they didn’t want the slave masters to see them showing affection, because showing affection could lead to a child or loved one being sold away. Oh, the power of love. 

So:  We ended up with generations of families that learned to neglect and abandon their children. Now today, many parents and families still do not know how to love their children or relate to each other. We continue to “hate” each other when we don’t have to, because we’re perpetuating a mode of survival that is no longer necessary. We don’t have to compete with each other anymore for a slave master’s attention! We can initiate contact with each other and show authentic affection to each other without being worried about being sold away! And just because someone does not show you the affection you want or need does not mean that they hate you! 

 Examine your reasons for being upset by someone’s behavior. Then figure out if the response you want is that which you are entitled to or that which you want for another reason. #KnowingIsHalfTheBattle



Why I #SupportSororitySisters

Mona Scott-Young and Forest Whitaker are under attack for their upcoming respective film projects, “Sorority Sisters” and “Undergrad.” According to some, both of these projects threaten to tarnish the otherwise good image of Black Greek Letter organizations (BGLO). Outrage over the projects have sparked at least one petition, and many online and social media discussions. I, a Black woman in her 30’s—and the member of a BGLO—am not offended, and am hoping that “Sorority Sisters” and “Undergrad” make it to television and the silver screen respectively, if for no other reason than on principle alone.

Here is why I #SupportSororitySisters.

Reality television and silver screen depictions “didn’t start the fire.”  Triflery and pettiness have permeated Black female relationships ever since we were taught to compete with one another during the Enslavement Process. The piety that belies much (not all) of the criticism of reality shows and media that show Blacks at their worst is not constructive because it is shame-based and aimed at covering up—not solving—the problem. During their discussion of the outrage over “Sorority Sisters” and “Undergrad,” and the petition during a Huffington Post Live broadcast, Drs. Marc Lamont Hill and Ricky Jones suggested that naysayers’ efforts to quell these projects are simply attempts to police the image of middle and upper class Blacks, and more specifically, organizations like BGLOs and historically Black colleges (HBC), which have long been symbols of the ability of Blacks to achieve middle and upper class strata. Drs. Hill and Jones seemed to further suggest that at least some of the criticism is the product of some people’s notion that Black elite organizations should somehow be exempt from stereotyping.

I agree with Drs. Hill and Jones’ assessment, and I disagree with the exemption. One of the biggest problems we have in the “Black” community is our psychotic tendency to “other” each other, and to not speak up about an issue until we are personally affected. We learned this during Slavery when we were taught to live in survival mode—and when we were taught to mimic our enslavers’ philosophy that in order for there to be winners there have to be losers. Further, the term “stereotyping” in the petition is being used loosely. We have to break away from the habit of excusing ourselves from addressing real problems by pointing to our hurt feelings. Every time someone presents an inconvenient truth—one that is contrary to what we want to believe about ourselves—we claim the defense of “offense.” Blacks aren’t the only ones who do this. Whites and others do this, too.

This is not to say that the depictions in “Sorority Sisters,” “Undergrad,” and other “reality” shows and media depictions are true. There are some BGLO members that only live up to the ideals their founders envisioned—whose hard work and professional and personal conduct set a standard for us all. But this is not the case for all, and nobody is, or should be, surprised by this. This is just like the many Blacks who claim to be “saved,” and claim to be Christians, but their behavior is the direct antithesis of what everybody knows about how Christians are supposed to live. Certainly, there are some Christians (very, very few) who talk the talk and walk the walk, but they can’t oppose others’ observations that some Christians are hypocrites. Emotional responses keep us from addressing real problems and perpetuate the idea that we lack the ability to analyze.

And about middle and upper class Blacks being exempt:  Aren’t many of the cast members on Real Housewives of Atlanta and Basketball Wives upper class? Many of them are college—and beyond—educated, and many own their own businesses. What exactly is middle and upper class anyway?

We need this mirror.  Maybe people seeing behavior they engage in acted out by others will be an impetus for change. Even reality “stars” have commented that seeing themselves act the way they have on television has provoked a desire to change. Further, I would bet a lot of things that many of the same people who are rallying against “Sorority Sisters” and “Undergrad” regularly indulge in other reality shows that “depict” Black females in a negative way. This sentiment was expressed by some of those who posted comments to the Huffington Post Live broadcast.

And if the opposition to “Sorority Sisters” is really about the image of the African-American (I prefer to say “Black”), then anyone who expressed opposition to “Sorority Sisters” ought not to be indulgers of any other reality shows that show us at our worst—which include but are not limited to: any of the “Real Housewives” franchise shows, the “Basketball Wives” shows; and opponents ought to have expressed dissatisfaction with the “change” petition concerning Blue Ivy’s hair—because nothing makes us looks worse than earnestly taking the time to create and circulate a petition about something as frivolous as a child’s hair. (I started not to even include a link to that petition, but that would have been the type of emotional response I argue against.)

And these same opponents ought to have expressed discontent over the issue that was made over Olympic gold medalist Gabrielle Douglas’ hair when she made history a few summers ago. Black Greeks and non-Greeks indulge in reality television and participate in frivolity.

Triflery and pettiness is not class-based. I know plenty of well-pedigreed professionals who get upset because someone walked in the room without “speaking,” for instance, and who talk about others’ choice of outfit, and other frivolous topics that will not make or break anybody’s existence.

I don’t know what Ms. Scott-Young’s motive was for creating “Sorority Sisters,” but I don’t agree with knocking someone’s hustle because you want to police an image that may or may not be far from an inconvenient truth.

We’re not fooling anybody. Even people outside of the Black Greek Life culture, who are aware of the intentions of BGLO founders, know that all Black Greeks do not live up to the ideals they pledged to uphold. Many BGLOs are said to be founded on Christian principles, yet there are many members who conduct themselves in opposition to such principles—in ways that include, but are not limited to: engaging in (lots of) casual sex; gossiping; allowing feelings of jealousy and envy to impact how they treat others; displaying prejudice against others based on ethnic, physical, and other differences; and gluttony (obesity). (Blacks’ confusion about what Christianity is and means accounts for a lot of this hypocrisy, but that’s another topic, for another blog.) Do you know any Black Greeks that have borne children out of wedlock? Do you know any that have multiple children with different parents? Do you know any that gossip? Any overweight? Have you ever heard a Black Greek comment that another didn’t pledge “properly?” Are any of your answers to the previous questions different than what they would have been had you not seen the trailer for “Sorority Sisters?” Nobody’s reality is shaken by what they see about us on television.

This display of consciousness to cover up an obvious demonstration of unconsciousness is taking our focus away from the real issue—the fact that we have more serious problems than what people think about us. We should have a problem with who we are and what we have become. We are those females (I use the word “woman” and “women” carefully) in that trailer. When I see my counterparts depicted in reality shows, I sadly—with all of my education and professional experiences—have flashbacks of being mistreated by my Greek and non-Greek “sisters.” And it’s not because I’m hanging out with the wrong people. It’s because Blacks as a mass have not recovered from the psychological impact of the Enslavement Process, and most of us are still operating like the self-hating slaves we were taught to be. This dysfunctional psychology is not particular to any class or socio-economic status. Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome has no respect of Black persons. Because it is so pervasive, I am not able to control when I will encounter a “sister”—Greek or not—that is going to judge my speech pattern, dress, other physical characteristic, or something she has heard about me, and accuse me of thinking that I’m better than she is, or worse—mistreat me because of her inferiority complex.

The “united front” we—Greeks and non-Greeks—try to show is killing us, because it prevents us from solving the root cause of problems. Hugging and kissing each other “on the yard” so on-lookers think an unbreakable bond exists that in reality doesn’t, is a waste of everybody’s time—which is not to say that sometimes such a bond doesn’t exist.

Reality shows don’t trash our image. We’ve done that already, by not recovering from the psychological impact of the Enslavement Process, and allowing the dysfunction we were taught to live under during that time to continually be perpetuated. Some people have just been smart enough to pick up a camera and make money off it. And if our BGLOs are so untouchable and filled with the talented tenth of us—how come any members are even signing up to be a part of Ms. Scott-Young’s projects and “performing” for them? Folks would have been better off skipping the petitions, and simply convening regional meetings to discuss how Black Greek life got so far away from what BGLO founders intended.

When we change who we are, our conduct and subsequent image will naturally change with it. We won’t have to worry about being embarrassed by desperate wanna-be celebrities who think that their path out of poverty is performing in ways that reflect the worst of us. We won’t have to worry about any of “us” taking to social media with frivolous petitions about individual characteristics, like hair, that speak nothing about a person’s potential or worth. But this mass change has not happened yet, partly because we have concerned ourselves more with image than with substance.

And let’s be honest:  a lot of the concern about our image is directly related to what we want Whites to think about us. If “Sorority Sisters” were just a show that Blacks could access, I can almost guarantee you that the present backlash would be non-existent. We might be a little bit concerned about what Black non-Greeks would think. But with Whites being able to access any channel on television, just as Blacks, there’s a chance they might think that our elite organizations aren’t what we’ve been saying they are. Newsflash though: When Whites see us convening our bourgeoisie conventions at local hotels and convention centers, and producing elaborate award shows, they don’t think that those of us attending are any better than those of us that can’t afford to attend—they think its funny that we spend all of this money to convince them that we can shine just like them when we get all dressed up when: A) they already know this to be the case, so we’re wasting our time trying to impress them; B) there are so many more Blacks that are suffering; and C) as soon as the lights go out and the right song comes on, we can be just as ratchet as “the others.” Don’t worry:  Whites already know that “all Blacks aren’t like that.”

This concern about what Whites think about us is probably what drove the petition about Blue Ivy’s hair. We know that Jay-Z and Beyonce’s family is popular amongst Whites and Blacks, and we don’t want Whites seeing us with our hair “all messed up.”

The pretention that belies the motivation to petition against something like “Sorority Sisters” and “images that depict Blacks in a negative way” is a waste of time. Blacks and Whites alike already know that all BGLO members aren’t ridiculous.

If the concept behind “Sorority Sisters” were a complete distortion, and that distortion had the potential to impact people’s view of an otherwise unblemished institution, there would possibly be cause for alarm. But Black Greeks and Non-Greeks alike have witnessed Black Greeks engaging in injurious conduct long before the “Sorority Sisters” trailer came out. For instance, Greeks and Non-Greeks have witnessed dissatisfied members ripping “letters” from other members because one doesn’t approve of the other’s membership. Dr. Marc Lamont Hill mentioned this while discussing the outrage over “Sorority Sisters” during the Huffington Post Live broadcast. (I don’t think any BGLO founder would be happy about the arrogance that drives these sorts of attacks among members.)

Pretention wasn’t a part of our founders’ plans, problem resolution was. The founders of BGLOs intended to encourage those of us who are able, to cooperate to solve problems affecting all of us. They had very specific plans in mind for determining who was worthy of engaging in such struggles. Again, as some folks started to concern themselves more with image than with substance, even those plans changed. (But I highly doubt that any BGLO founders would be satisfied with members ripping “letters” off of other members when becoming a member means working cooperatively with all other members. Where is the sisterhood or brotherhood in alerting others—Greek and non-Greek—of another member’s route to membership, and your humble disapproval of it?)

Further, and most strikingly, this whole situation is an example of “us” (Blacks) not all being on the same page. If we were all (Greek and non-Greek) as sophisticated as we’d like to believe we are—and as sophisticated as we want each other and others to believe—none of us would sign up to “perform” in any reality shows, we wouldn’t have to worry about anybody petitioning through social media about frivolous topics, and we wouldn’t have to worry about that one inarticulate, toothless witness news reporters always seem to find to describe what happened—because he or she wouldn’t exist.

Shutting down projects that publish “somebody’s” truth does more harm than good. It perpetuates dysfunctional unified fronts, encourages dishonesty, and prevents problems from being solved—and problem solving was exactly what our predecessors intended.